


Sicut Cervus

by WenZhen



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe, M/M, Religion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2016-01-13
Packaged: 2018-05-09 06:07:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5528870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WenZhen/pseuds/WenZhen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brother Choi Seunghyun is a priest-in-training assigned to practice at the Lighthouse Chapel Fellowship, famous for its choir comprising of orphaned boys adopted by the church. He finds himself drawn to the choir's illustrious soloist, the sweet soprano Jiyong and grapples with this sudden revelation. The longer he stays, the more he realises that bad things are festering at the church and Seunghyun soon finds himself questioning his own faith and whether there can be a greater Love beyond God.</p><p> </p><p>Sicut cervus desiderat ad fontes aquarum, ita desiderat anima mea ad te Deus.</p><p>Like the deer that pants for water, so too does my heart long for you, God.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Brother Seunghyun

**Author's Note:**

> Reposted from AFF where it got flagged and banned.
> 
> I'm gonna preface by forewarning that this work of fiction (based on real world events) will include themes of child sexual abuse. In other words, expect paedophilic content, as well as my own criticisms against organised religion. If stuff like that makes you uncomfortable, please go away. I'm done trying to explain my intentions to people who refuse to see beyond the fact that a minor is involved in sexual situations in my story. I'd really like for my story to be given a chance to play out without people jumping to accuse me of anything; if it's still too unpalatable for you, I'm sorry. You can show yourself to the door.

Though it’s been years since he last attended Sunday School, Seunghyun can’t help but feel very very small in the dark, stuffy room with the three other priests. He constantly half expects to be reprimanded for fidgeting, never mind that Father William and Father Lee are smiling so genially at him.

 

“I’ve found the teapot!” Father Joseph exclaims excitedly from the corner.

 

“Do excuse us Brother Seunghyun, it isn’t often that we have guests. Father Joseph tends to get ah… overexcited sometimes.” Seunghyun wonders how Father Lee manages to hold in the laughter that is clearly threatening to overwhelm his small frame and decides that he has much to learn in terms of self control from the men of the Church.

 

Seunghyun hurriedly stands and bows. “Fathers, I am not a guest. Please treat me as yet another student of the Church. I am here to learn from you to better serve the Lord. If anything, I should be pouring tea for you instead.” The priests chuckle and tut at him, while fussing over cups of tea and sugar; Seunghyun is abruptly reminded of his grandaunts and almost chokes on his tea.

 

“So, Brother Seunghyun. What brings a fine young man such as yourself to the Church? It is rare that we find someone so young training for the pulpit”

 

Seunghyun takes a deep breath at that. It’s not that he doesn’t expect these questions but people often remain skeptical even when he tries his best to be earnest. “The Church has always been my sanctuary… it’s where I feel most at ease and closest to God. I do believe that He has a plan for me to help spread His teachings and Love.” He pauses, wondering how he can convince the priests in front of him. “Please, accept my youth as a sincere wish to learn as much as I can from masters such as yourselves. I- I’ve travelled and practiced under many churches. But I guess nothing compares to home.”

 

“Ahh a good Korean boy” Father Lee smiles warmly, clearly won over. “Your parents must be very proud of you.”

 

Seunghyun smiles a little at that, “My parents have returned to the Lord, Father. I hope that they are watching out for me and bless the path I have chosen.”

 

“I’m sorry to hear that m’boy. Is there no one else then? No lovely lady waiting for you?”

 

Seunghyun’s smile turns wry. “The Lord has decided that I am to lead a celibate life it seems.”

 

“Oh what a shame. Such a handsome face.” Seunghyun’s face turns hot under Father William’s scrutiny. “Don’t you agree Father Lee? Our boys will surely take to him. I do hope none of them end up being too distracted by Brother Seunghyun here! Ha ha!”

 

Father Lee’s response is mild. “I’m sure the boys will like him very much Father William. He is much closer to their age than we are, certainly.”

 

“Let us hope that they can keep their hearts and minds on the Lord when Brother Seunghyun takes over the pulpit for Mass eh?” Seunghyun starts praying for the ground to swallow him whole and wonders if prayers can get through to heaven faster if surrounded by so much holiness.

 

Apparently they do.

 

“Oh look at the time, it’s nearly 4. I must get the choir ready.” Seunghyun makes a silent promise to be extra earnest during Evening Mass as Father William _blessedly_ leaves.

 

“Brother Seunghyun! You must attend Evensong and watch the choir. They are most superb!” Father Joseph’s enthusiastic prompting seems unnecessary, given how the Lighthouse Chapel Fellowship’s choir is extremely well known, even in the neighbouring parishes. Still, Seunghyun feels comforted in this inclusion and shyly allows himself to be ushered alongside Father Lee towards the main chapel hall.

 

~

 

The choir is indeed superb; the lovely blend and harmony of voices testifying to close-knit bonds and disciplined trainings. So much so that Seunghyun suspects some of the visitors sitting in the pews to be more interested in watching the choir perform as opposed to actual worship. _Remember Seunghyun, all are welcome to reside in the house of the Lord. The Lord does not discriminate nor does He choose His followers into His house. The Church is above all a place for love and for learning._ Seunghyun remembers the kind ahjumma from the convent who always looked out for him especially after the death of his parents. _Halmeoni, I am sorry. I should have been there for you, before…_ He shuts his eyes, whispering a silent prayer for her.

 

He is brought out of his reverie by a series of sweeping high notes and the accompanying gasps from the audience. _So this is the choir’s famous soloist._ Many praises have been sung about the boy; from the purity of his voice to the effortless way he sings that seems to fill the entire hall with warmth. Seunghyun finds that the rumours are indeed true. Goosebumps ripple through his arms as the song reaches a peak, sweeping high notes reverbrating within the arched domes of the church. He finds himself tearing unexpectedly and shuts his eyes, allowing the music to swell beneath his eyelids and within his lungs. The song crests and Seunghyun feels like he is floating; followng the tender, clear voice as it soars, lifting his spirits seemingly all the way to God Himself. _The boy is indeed amazing._ He decides that the boy could most certainly sing for bigger, better audiences if given the chance and wonders if any of his friends may be able to get a good contact for him. As the song comes to an end, Seunghyun seeks out the tousled brown head accompanying the sweet voice and is surprised to find its owner older than he had expected. Light brown eyes lock onto his and he smiles encouragingly. The boy blushes and shyly glances at his feet. _Cute boy._

 

~

 

Seunghyun is introduced to the rest of the church at Dinner, after grace had been said. “Good evening all,” Father Lee begins, “as some of of you have noticed, we have a new face amongst us. This is Brother Seunghyun, who is here to study and further his religious practice with us. Let us warmly welcome him to our extended family and offer him whatever help we can.” Seunghyun stands and bows deeply to polite applause and excited whispers. _Please take care of me._

 

~

 

Seunghyun almost mows down the four boys creeping outside his room the next morning. “Good morning Brother Seunghyun!” they immediately chorus in unison, bowing respectfully.

 

“Uhh… Good morning,” Seunghyun smiles and hopes to make as good an impression as he can without coffee. His hopes get dashed almost immediately as the boys stare at him in surprise before bursting out into giggles. Inwardly panicking, Seunghyun discretely tries to check whether he still has morning breath or if his clothes are put on correctly. “Did I- did I say something wrong?”

 

The boys glance at each other sheepishly before the tall boy in the middle finally answers “Oh no Brother Seunghyun. Henry hyung overheard you speaking with Father Lee yesterday and he was telling everybody that your voice sounds like thunder. So- ah- we uhh… We were wondering… Maybe…” He turns to look at his friends for help.

 

_Thank goodness it’s not morning breath._

 

“Did he now?” Seunghyun’s relief manifests in playfulness, waggling his eyebrows “and does it live up to expectations?”

 

The boys all break into giggles again and nod. As Seunghyun’s brain slowly catches up despite the lack of caffeine, he starts recognising the boys in front of him. The tall boy he remembers guiding the younger ones to dinner last night, _What was his name. Kwang- something. And the one hiding at the back, is that Jiyong?_ The brown tousled hair hiding his face is indeed Jiyong. _He’s still so shy._  “Are you _really_ Korean, Brother Seunghyun?” the chubby boy to the left asks with shining eyes. Seunghyun remembers him as the boy sent around the pews to collect donations. _No wonder they picked him._

 

“I am, I grew up in Gyeongsang” Seunghyun notes how thrilled the boys seem with this new bit of information, “So I guess you guys can just call me hyung.” The acknowledgement of their common heritage only further excites the boys as they start bombarding him with questions all the way to breakfast.

 

Seunghyun notes that Jiyong mostly hides behind his friends silently, and decides to catch his attention, “Hey, you’re Jiyong right? I heard you sing last night, you were really good.” Jiyong’s face flushes an immediate pink as he bows his head further.

 

“Yah! Jiyong! Why’re you so quiet, you’re always so proud of your singing.” So apparently his shyness is new.

 

The chubby boy, whose name Seunghyun has learnt is Dae-ho, affectionately slings an arm around Jiyong and very casually informs Seunghyun “He probably thinks you’re handsome.”

 

Jiyong finally looks up at that, horrified. “I d-don’t…”

 

“Nuh uh Jiyongie, Father says that lying is a sin.” The boys start laughing and nudging at his cheeks that are starting to resemble a peach.

 

Seunghyun decides to spare the poor boy, “ You know, my umma always told me that I’m the handsomest boy she’s ever seen” preening and waggling his eyebrows at the boys who shriek with laughter at his affectations. Seunghyun is relieved to find that even Jiyong is smiling along shyly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that it took this long to kick things off (and I'm even sorrier that I can't promise that future chapters will come any faster lol oops). It's been so long since I wrote a long-ish piece, and the grammar and the perspective just doesn't seem to fit right >:( but I do hope that once things are started the words will flow out a bit easier ^^ I would really appreciate any comments you can give! Especially if you find bits of it weird or jarring or anything (also, contextual incorrectness. Cos I uhh like to take a bit of liberties with things lol). Thank you! <3


	2. Dirty Secrets of the Church

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: dubious consent, sexual situations involving a minor

Falling into a routine is simple, easy. The pace of life in the church is laid back, homely; and the occupants are more than happy to assimilate Seunghyun into their daily lives. Perhaps it’s the stray chatter that he has no trouble understanding, or the daily dose of kimchi with his meals; but Seunghyun finds a sense of peace and belonging at the Lighthouse Chapel Fellowship unlike any other church he’d stayed with previously.

 

The days are filled with the simple every day runnings of the church and the school. He assists Father Lee and Father William in the mornings for Mass, and steadily grows adept at reconising familiar faces amongst the worshippers. They too have taken to Seunghyun very kindly, often bringing home cooked treats and staying to chat with the handsome young man with no family. It gets a bit much for him at times, the outpouring of love and kindness from complete strangers. He prefers the company of the boys in the church, most of whom have been orphaned or come from difficult, broken homes. They understand what it’s like; but more importantly, they don’t really care. “It doesn’t really matter if we have families or not,” Dae-ho once told him over lunch. “I mean, it must be nice. But the truth is we don’t have nice families anyway so there’s no point being very sad about it. Right hyung?” _Yes,_ he’d wanted to say. _It doesn’t matter at all. You are all just as brilliant as any other person._ But hearing sweet, innocent Dae-ho being so blasé about his life circumstances made his own throat clench up.

 

Seunghyun likes helping Father Joseph with classes the most.  Unsurprisingly, tiny, quirky Father Joseph is everybody’s favourite priest. Seunghyun soon discovers that the boys need a lot more help with math and geography than Father Joseph is able to cope and gets roped into tutoring sessions after class. Not that he minds. The boys respond with overwhelming enthusiasm to the tutoring sessions, often finding excuses to ask cheeky and personal questions.

 

“Seunghyun hyung! Have you ever had a girlfriend before?”

 

He looks up to find eight pairs of inquisitive eyes staring back at him.

 

“Ummm…” Seunghyun clears his throat awkwardly, “I…. well uhh…” _Lying is a sin._

 

“Well… Yes.”

 

~

 

On Sundays the boys like to play soccer in the tiny courtyard after morning Mass. Seunghyun watches from a bench at the side, half envious of their youthful energy and strength. He can count on one hand the number of times he was invited to (much less actually participated in) a game of soccer. Watching chubby Dae-ho pant after the ball, he is immediately reminded of why.

 

Dae-ho finds his way onto Seunghyun’s bench not ten minutes later, huffing annoyedly in an attempt to hide the real hurt behind not being able to keep up with the rest of his friends. Seunghyun grins at him wryly, “You know, I was pretty fat when I was a kid; I could barely run after the ball. My friends used to say that it made more sense for me to _be_ the ball than for me to run after it.” His self-deprecation earns him a bark of sunny laughter.

 

“Really hyung?” Dae-ho’s smile fades as he fails to imagine a chubby Seunghyun. Eyeing Seunghyun suspiciously, “But you’re not fat at all now!”

 

“You’ll grow out of it Dae-ho” Seunghyun ruffles the boy’s hair affectionately. “Don’t you _like_ being the cute chubby one out of all your friends?”

 

The boy giggles at that. “Jiyongie always says that I’m a good hugging pillow.” His demenour turns serious, “but my muscles hurt all the time now. Father William says it’s because I’m growing and my muscles are stretching.”

 

Seunghyun remembers all too well the frequent aches and stiffness in his muscles when growing up. “My umma taught me to stretch and massage my muscles when they hurt. Here, like-” He gently grabs Dae-ho by the arm and starts to rub soothing circles into his skin. “Like that. You have to apply a bit of pressure to where it hurts for it to go away.” Eager to copy his motions, Dae-ho crosses his legs on the bench and starts massaging his own calves. “Ah- ah hyuuuung it huuuuurts.”

 

“You have to rub it harder, or else you’ll be sore!”

 

“But hyuuuuuung!”

 

“What’re you doing hyung?”a soft, hesitant voice cuts into their playful banter.

 

“Jiyongie!” Dae-ho excitedly scoots over to make more room. “Hyung is teaching me how to massage my muscles so they’re not sore anymore! Hey maybe he can help you too! Seunghyun hyung! Jiyongie always wakes up at night ‘cos he says his legs hurt.”

 

“They don’t hurt… that much” Jiyong stammers and shifts his weight.

 

“But you always cry Jiyongie!” Dae-ho looks distressed. “Here, let me try to help you!” He pulls Jiyong onto the bench between them and vigorously tries to massage Jiyong’s back.

 

“Yah! No! Stop it tickles!” Jiyong squeals and wriggles away from Dae-ho, inadvertently squirming into Seunghyun’s arms.

 

“Where does it hurt, Jiyong?” Jiyong freezes and ducks his head, shyly peering up at Seunghyun through thick eyelashes. “Umm… My calves… and my thighs. And sometimes my back and arms…”

 

Seunghyun is gentler with Jiyong, careful not to spook the shy boy. “Well, I can try to help. If it hurts too much? Just rub slowly at the muscle where it hurts. Like tha-“

 

“Ah! No! I don’t- I mean. I’m ticklish!” Jiyong jumps out of his grasps as if burned.

 

Seunghyun is baffled as he’d barely touched the boy. “Well maybe Dae-ho can teach you. You can always come to me if you need my help okay?”

 

“Th-thank you hyung,” Jiyong blushes and bites his lips before slipping away.

 

~

 

The nicest part of the day, Seunghyun decides, is listening to the choir practice and perform in the evenings. More often than not, he chooses to sit quietly in one of the pews or stay behind a partitioned door discretely listening to the choir sing. He’s still not entirely used to Father William’s unnerving presence and figures that as long as he remains unseen, it’s not so bad.

 

In the lead up to Easter Sunday the choir practices extra hard, with Father William requesting for extra private sessions with some of the boys, especially Jiyong. Seunghyun grudgingly decides to stay away from these private sessions and takes to exploring the church instead. His feet unfortunately lead him straight into-

 

“Alright now, Jiyong. Let’s stretch that pretty mouth of yours. Open wide and sing to scale.”

 

_Well this is an awkward coincidence._

 

“Ah ah ah ah ah”

 

“Good, good. Don’t stop. Go up the scale. Remember to open up your throat now yes…”

 

_Maybe I should leave… It’s gonna look weird if anybody finds me here._ Seunghyun manages as far as taking a step back before his curiosity gets the better of him.

 

“Ah ah ah ah ah”

 

_Well maybe 5 more minutes won’t hurt._ He shuffles closer to the door.

 

“Ah ah a-“

 

From behind the door, Jiyong’s voice suddenly becomes muffled.

 

“Don’t close your mouth! Keep that jaw relaxed.”

 

“Auh auh aungh…” Seunghyun can hear Jiyong suddenly choke and splutter.

 

“Didn’t I tell you to loosen your throat? How do you expect to sing like that. And keep your teeth to yourself!”

 

_Wait… Teeth?_

 

Seunghyun hears Jiyong’s hum as if his mouth was full and is even more confused when he hears another voice panting along. _Father William…?_

 

“Yes… yeeesssss. Very good. Take it all in, deeper. I know you can open wider.”

 

_Take in…? What on earth?!_

 

It takes a whlie but when it finally hits him, Seunghyun feels it like a physical blow. He sinks down onto shaky hands and knees, heaving at the terrible images his mind presents him with to accompany the sounds from behind the door.

 

_Jesus, Lord. God in Heaven please let me be wrong!_

 

Seunghyun hears Father William bite back a moan and it makes his blood freeze in his veins. “That’s right. Very good. Relax your throat fully, swallow it all now… yesss…”

 

Father William’s panting gets louder and more erratic and Seunghyun blanches, frozen to the ground, unable to move or cry out..

 

 “Stop! Now… Bend over the table and hold onto the edge. Don’t let go. Sing that high E you always have trouble with and hold that note.”

 

Seunghyun hears a new, wet slicking sound accompanying Father William’s panting and groaning and thinks hysterically that Jiyong is doing very well considering what’s happening to him. _Barely wavering even as Father William-_

 

“Yes… Yes! Good! Very good…”

 

Jiyong’s steady note is slowly being punctuated by sharp, short breaths, “Ah… ah! Unggh!”

 

Seunghyun decides that he’s heard enough. Worse, he’s not entirely sure if the churning in his stomach is _purely_ nausea. Gritting his teeth, Seunghyun turns and _runs,_ so far past the point of caring _._ He flees down the corridor trying to surpress the bile rising in his throat, and collapses on the floor in his room with tears in his eyes.

 

He is absent from Evensong that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was really hard to write mostly 'cos it grossed me out to explicitly imagine a poor boy being taken advantage of like that *shudders*. I just told myself to grit my teeth and bash through whatever words I can fit into the scenario so apologies if things sound a bit disjointed or weird. As usual, please let me know how you find it! I love feedback :)


	3. Growing Pains

Seunghyun shuts himself in his room for 3 days ( _sort of like Jesus on Easter eh?_ He almost punches Father William in the face for that comment but settles for painful dry heaving in the toilet instead). He calls in sick, and looks so convincingly ashen when Father Lee pops by that he is left completely alone for the duration.

 

He tries to sleep, to meditate, to pray; _anything_ to block out the noxious thoughts that fill his mind. He breaks down into helpless tears by the end of the first night, pulling and clawing at his sheets in a mad frenzy. Even when asleep, his fitful mind refuses to let him rest. He dreams of Jiyong and his shy brown eyes, tears falling steadily at his feet as he stares, pleadingly, at Seunghyun in silence. Before he can do anything, Jiyong morths into a gigantic statue of Jesus who points an accusing finger at Seunghyun as if disappointed by his cowardice. The statue grows and grows, filling the entire room; overwhelming Seunghyun and squeezing the air out of his lungs as Father William’s mocking laughter and moans of pleasure ring in his head.

 

Seunghyun wakes with a start, sweating and trembling and tangled in his blanket. Outside, the night is dark and still. With a sigh, he gives up trying to sleep and heads over to his desk. He riffles through the clutter, and finding the blue rosary from his Umma, kneels on the cool floor next to the open window and starts praying.

 

_Father in Heaven help me please… I don’t know what to **do**._

 

~

 

In those 3 days, while alternating between fitful nightmares and tearing at his hair, Seunghyun prays. Mostly, he prays for forgiveness. For running away like a coward, for not being able to help Jiyong, for the helplessness of his position, for not being brave enough to stand up to Father William and instead choosing to hide in his room. He isn’t sure if God should forgive him when he can barely forgive himself. Confusion and fear eat into his brain, and he _hates_ that he had chosen to take the easy way out. He hates _himself_ ; for feeling so weak, so _incapable,_ for not knowing what to _do_. Warring between his faith and his conscience, between having to do the right thing and what he had been brought up his whole life to believe; Seunghyun finds himself at a crossroad, surrounded by nothing but the suffocating darkness. His head is muddled; his heart, heavy. He prays for guidance, and for strength. Anything really, to show him the way forward. He just needs a _sign_. To tell him where to start and what to _do_. He thinks of Jiyong in his dream, crying yet unable to make a sound and his heart just _breaks_. He’s never felt so helpless before.

 

~

  
Day fades into night, which breaks back into daylight. The guidance does not come. Seunghyun wonders if this means that he’s not forgiven as well. When he gets sick of waiting on God for an answer, he takes to pacing his tiny room; trying to sort out the storm of shattered glass swirling in his heart.

 

One. Two. Three. Four.

 

_Maybe… This is some sort of misunderstanding. I’ve made a mistake, somewhere._ He pauses in his pacing. _Or perhaps I was… wrong. Father William is a man of the Church… surely, he wouldn’t… he couldn’t…_ Seunghyun shakes his head and groans; even in his mind, the line of argument sounds feeble. He sighs, despondent. _I can’t do this. I can’t just walk away and pretend that I don’t know, or that this isn’t… wrong._ He resumes his footsteps, wearing down the already faded carpet in his room.

 

No, he can’t go on hiding and denying what has already happened. Father William had sinned. He had broken his oath of celibacy and lain with a man! An underaged man, who was no more than a boy… Seunghyun’s stomach churns at the thought. Jiyong can’t be any older than fourteen. This makes Father William’s actions a criminal offense. Sexual abuse of a minority or something like that.

 

Seunghyun sinks back onto his bed, feeling sick and miserable. The fact that it was a priest who had committed such a terrible act shook him to the core _. A priest!_ An ordained member of the Lord’s servants! A person whom others had looked up to and trusted. People like Seunghyun, like _Jiyong_. And Father William had broken their trust. The revelation troubled Seunghyun deeply. Priests don’t sin! They can’t. They _shouldn’t._ He had always looked up to the men of the Church as his mentors and guides, and now…  

 

Seunghyun feels unbelievably _betrayed_. By the very institution he was brought up to believe in and sworn to protect. He’s gone through crises of faith before. But _this_ , this is _different_. He feels like the foundations of his very core are being shaken up and ground into dust. He’s not _stupid,_ he’s heard of such cases before. But to witness a real, actual scenario happening in front of him. And to have it happen inside a church! The house of the Lord! Seunghyun feels it like a slap to the face, like a metaphorical fuck you to everything he has been brought up to believe.

 

He sighs and starts pacing the room again, thinking of all the moments in his life and training that have led him up to this moment. He knows what Father Kang, his old pastor, would have said. That God tests his subjects and puts them through trials to prove that they are worthy and disciplined in their faith. Well he’s not doubting his faith, he’s doubting the _institution_ behind his faith. _The Church is fallible… Men are fallible…_ The thought rings hollow in his mind. _But even if… this was a test. For me, for Father William even. Why… Why Jiyong… Why anybody?_ Seunghyun rubs his dry, tired eyes and slumps against the door eyeing the crucifix on the wall. _Why bring these poor kids into this mess at all? It’s not their fault._

 

_Just because these things happen doesn’t mean that you should lose faith in God._ The imaginary voice of Father Kang chides him gently.

 

But where does this leave Seunghyun then? He is sworn to the church and has learnt all his life to respect God and His servants. To submit himself completely to his faith and to believe in the will of the Lord. Some churches, he knows, prefer to keep their businesses behind closed doors. To deal with transgressions using the law of God set by the Church. Seunghyun knocks his head repeatedly against the wood at his back and slides into a squat on the floor.

 

Where would he even start? His cheeks burn at the thought of bringing up the issue with the other priests. Homosexuality was regarded as a certified and shameful sin not only in Church, but also in Korea. Seunghyun can’t imagine any outcome that would not try to hush him up like a dirty secret.

 

It’s not that he particularly frowns upon homosexuality. Sure, the bible said that it was wrong for a man to lie with another man like he does with a woman. But the bible also said that shrimp is evil and that playing with a football is a sin. So he figures okay, maybe the bible can be a bit interpretative. It’s not that big a deal. Seunghyun always _thought_ that he’s made his peace with gay people. God’s creations and all that.

 

But if Seunghyun was completely honest with himself, the revelation of such… such _blatant_ homosexuality had been a huge initial shock. His face burns as he tries to lay his feelings out one at a time. Sure, the idea of gay people was always on the peripheries of his knowledge. Seunghyun _knows_ that there _are_ gay people, just like he _knows_ that there are people who've lived through wars or who are born disabled. He _knows_ that they’re there… out in this world… he even prays for them occasionally. He just… never really _thought_ about them, much. Out of sight, out of mind right? Sort of like taxes or the sort of misfortunes that happen to other people but have never concerned him personally.

 

But beyond that, the prospect of having to go against seniority and rank to report Father William terrifies Seunghyun. The Church is an institution after all, and priests rank highly in the hierarchy. All things considered, Seunghyun’s a nobody, really. Who is he going to tell? He thinks of the other two priests of the church and wonders if telling them would make much a difference. _What if they already know?_ His heart sinks, even lower than it already was previously. Even if he makes a police report, who would believe him? _Him_ , an insignificant, unimportant priest-in-training who doesn’t even have the backing of any church. What would Father William _say_ even? Pretend that nothing happened and that everything is okay? Seunghyun somehow doubts that Father William would be particularly forthcoming with his confession. He doesn’t even have any proof. Making a report would literally be pitting his own word against Father William’s. _And who would they believe?_ Seunghyun’s shoulders slump and he puts his head between his knees, trying not to heave. As ordained servants of the Lord within the institution of the Church, priests have always enjoyed some form of power and respect. It had always seemed natural for others to serve them. _But not like that. Nothing like that._

 

~

 

After three days, Seunghyun’s heart and mind are all wrung out. He _still_ has no answers. But he has shunned the world for long enough, there are many responsibilities and duties clamouring for his attention. With all the preparations for Holy Week, Seunghyun tries to keep his mind occupied as much as possible. He tries not to think too much about Father William, or if any of the other priests might be engaging in similarly illicit activities. He _does_ try to keep an eye on Jiyong though. The boy doesn’t display any outward signs of anything out of the ordinary, which leads Seunghyun to conclude that either Jiyong is an extremely convincing actor or that he’s far too used to such instances of abuse. Neither of the conclusions makes him feel any better about the situation at hand.

 

~

 

Maundy Thursday dawns dark and rainy, setting the mood for the rest of the day’s activities. Seunghyun is tasked with helping Father Joseph with the donation of sacks of rice to the nearby needy and it keeps him busy for the rest of the day. He retires to bed exhausted, thinking that some relief might finally arrive once the Easter Weekend has passed.

 

Seunghyun snaps awake to a loud clap of thunder. Despite resuming his normal daily activities, his sleep is often still fragmented and restless on most nights. Wearily, he climbs out of bed to shut the window before his belongings get any wetter. With the window closed, an odd silence descends upon the room. Except… _Was that a knock or was that the rain?_ He tilts his head and stills his movements. The noise comes again, clearer this time. Definitely a knock, and what sounds like sobs coming from outside his door.

 

He hurriedly pulls the door open only to have a mess of brown hair and sweaty limbs collapse into his arms.

 

“Jiyong!”

 

The boy shivers and clutches at his night shirt, voice barely audible over his sobs. “S-s-seunghyun h-hyung… I’m s-s-sorry b-but you said that I could c-c-c-come to you if –if it hu-urts …” Jiyong’s legs shake and threaten to give out during his explanation, causing him to catch tightly onto Seunghyun’s arms, waist, _anything_ to keep his small frame upright. “Everything h-hurts and I.. I-“

 

“Alright Jiyong, calm down… Shhh… I’m here. Don’t cry. You’ll be okay. Can you try to walk?”

 

Jiyong let out an agonised cry and fervently shakes his head, “I- I can’t hyung… I a-almost cr-crawled here hyung… I… can’t! Unnnnnghh!”

 

Without thinking, Seunghyun gently scoops the boy into his arms and crosses the room to carefully set him on the bed. The sudden movement, however, shoots sharp pains up Jiyong’s legs, causing him to whimper and grit his teeth.

 

“My legs! H-hyung… My l-legs… They hurt s-so much! I- I can’t f-f-feel them hyung!” the poor boy wails uncontrollably, almost delirious with pain. “I can’t feel my le-e-egs… I can’t – I can’t feel them… Father! Help me!” Seunghyun’s stomach twists uncomfortably at the name and can’t help but wonder if Jiyong in his senseless state is calling out to their collective Father in Heaven, or a different kind of Father, sleeping three doors down. He pushes the uncomfortable thought out of his mind almost immediately. _This isn’t the time to think about that._ He chastises himself angrily. _This isn’t about you._

 

Meanwhile, Jiyong has rolled himself into a tormented ball of twitchy limbs on the edge of Seunghyun’s bed. “Hyung!” He gasps “Why… Why does it h-hurt so bad!”

 

“Shh… Jiyong… Shhh, shhhhhh. You’ll be okay.” Seunghyun gingerly pushes Jiyong away from the edge, “Come on, let’s take deep breaths. Deep, deeeep breaths. Look at me now. Come on. Look at me. Let’s breathe together okay. In… Out… In… Out…” He holds Jiyong’s arms down to his side and breathes exaggeratedly to encourage the boy to do the same.

 

“You’re doing great Jiyong. You’re doing so well. Come on, breath some more. Focus on that okay?” Seunghyun scrambles to close the door and to get more blankets from the cupboard. Passing by his desk, he absent mindedly also grabs his worn-out jacket which he gently drapes around Jiyong’s skinny shoulders. “Come on Jiyong, breathe. That’s right. Let’s keep you warm. Please stretch out your body.” His instructions are met with a fresh batch of tears as the boy tries to comply. “No- shhhhhh… It’s okay, it’s okay. I know it hurts, I’m sorry. Slowly now… Let’s stretch it out… Okay? Jiyongie? You’ll feel better soon.”

 

Jiyong whimpers and buries his face in the soft cotton as Seunghyun tries to pile even more blankets onto the boy’s petite frame. The blankets would probably be more effective if Jiyong doesn’t keep twisting and kicking at them, accidentally hitting Seunghyun in the process.  But the older man takes everything in his stride, even managing to stuff a pair of socks haphazardly over Jiyong’s tiny feet. But the warmth is working, Seunghyun feels every second stretch out into the night as Jiyong’s shivers slowly subside. “Alright, Jiyong? Jiyongie? Tell me where it hurts the most.” Seunghyun soothes the trembling boy, carding his fingers through sweat dampened hair. “M-my legs… They keep *hic* c-cr-cramping”. Seunghyun gently rolls Jiyong onto his stomach and pushes the blankets away to expose slim calves. He starts rubbing slow, smooth lines across the skin, warming up tight muscles to encourage them to relax.

 

“Ah! Ah… Hyuuuung *hic* it- it hurts!”

 

“Shh, shhhhhh. I’m so sorry.” Seunghyun murmurs apologetically, “It’ll hurt less tomorrow I promise! Deep breaths now come on… Good boy…”

 

As the boy starts to grow soft and pliant under his arms, he starts applying more force to knead out the tautness in his muscles. “Aaahh… Ah! Unnggh… Hyung… uhhh…” Jiyong squirms and moans, too focused on the sensations shooting up his legs to form a coherent sentence.

 

Seunghyun frowns as he rubs over a particularly tense knots of muscle, absently wondering how the boy keeps straining himself so badly. _You know why_ , a small, sly voice niggles at the back of his mind.

 

Seunghyun huffs and tries his best to push the thought away. “Jiyong…” He gently caresses warm muscles to calm the trembling boy. “Try to hold still okay. Can you do that for me? I promise to be gentle… And relax.” He chafes his hands together to gather more warmth before applying the heated pressure onto Jiyong’s thighs and calves.

 

Seunghyun works himself into a dreamlike trance for the next few minutes, focusing on soft, fair skin. The sounds of the storm fade into the background, and he almost forgets that Jiyong is in the same room as him. Almost.

 

“H-hyung *hic*” A small, guilty voice startles him back into focus. “I’m really… I’m so-sorry. I shouldn’t have… b-but I can’t *hic* I can’t h-help it.”

 

Seunghyun feels a lump form in his throat, “Jiyong… You don’t have to apologise. You’ve done nothing wrong. I’m…” He swallows uncomfortably, trying to rid the lump. He continues as steadily as his voice would let him, “I’m glad that you came to me for help. You shouldn’t have to suffer alone. You know that right?” He gently rolls the boy onto his front and proceeds to rub soothing lines down his back. “I want you to promise me, that you’ll always look for help if something’s wrong. Promise me okay? Even if you don’t look for me. You should _never_ have to suffer in silence.”

 

Jiyong was quiet for a long time at that. “O-okay hyung… I p-promise.”

 

“Good…” He pauses, hands hovering awkwardly over the boy, “Does your… Does your back hurt as well?”

 

“Mmm… … My… my lower back” Jiyong smooshes his face into Seunghyun’s jacket. “Ah… I’m sorry h-hyung *hic* this is… this is embarrassing…” he ends in a soft whine.

 

Seunghyun smiles in spite of himself and proceeds to lift the boy’s shirt slightly to get to the tense muscles underneath. He tries not to think too much about some of the discolouration marking the otherwise unblemished skin.

 

The storm outside his window has blown itself into submission, and Jiyong’s sobs are turning into sleepy snuffles. “There, all done. I hope you’re feeling better.” Seunghyun carefully tucks Jiyong’s clothes into place before rearranging the blankets.

 

“Th-thank you hyung…” Seunghyun wipes at tear stained cheeks and smiles wearily at Jiyong. “It’s okay Jiyong, don’t mention it.” He ruffles soft brown hair and makes sure that all of Jiyong’s limbs are covered. “Go to sleep.”

 

“Why’re you so nice hyung…” Jiyong mumbles sleepily, “You’re so gentle… So nice” He rambles incoherently as his eyelids droop, “You’re making everything so hard…”

 

Looking wistfully at his warm sheets now preoccupied with soft snores and limp muscles, Seunghyun sighs and retreats to his desk. Snagging a cushion from his chair, he settles down as comfortably as he can and prepares himself for a long night ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... things start getting very complicated very fast from here on out. Please let me know what you guys think!


	4. Turning Point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: dubious consent, sexual situations involving a minor, oh and uhh accidental voyeurism. lol.

“Ungh… oh… Ahh… Hyung… oh. Oh hyung…”

 

Seunghyun’s hands push steadily into tight balls of muscle that tense angrily under smooth skin the colour of oversweetened milk tea.

 

“Try to relax Jiyong. Take deep breaths. I can’t do this if you’re so tense.”

 

“I- oh! Hyung… Oh….” Jiyong arches his back and kicks his feet “Right… there hyung… ahh th-there… it… there…”

 

The boy writhes about on the bed, exposing a wide expanse of creamy, unblemished skin, little pants growing more ragged. “Harder hyung… Uh! Uhh… Hyuung… ung… harder… oh! Tha-at feels… goo-ood… oh…”

 

Seunghyun jerks awake in a fright, narrowly missing smashing his head on the shelves above his desk. Wiping away the drool dried on his dead right arm, he gradually realizes that his dick is _hard_. He feels like a teenager all over again. _Urgh I haven’t gotten morning wood in years._ The sun spilling in through the open window reminds him that the day is waiting. _Wait. I shut the window last night… Jiyong!_ He clambers from his desk, wincing angrily when pins and needles shoot up his arm. The room is surprisingly empty, no sign of the boy anywhere. The only evidence to show that Seunghyun didn’t dream up the past night’s events is his neatly made bed, and the open window of course.

 

 _Speaking of dreams…_ Seunghyun shakes his head and rubs his eyes, trying to will away the unpleasant remnants of a sensation long-forgotten. Unconsciously palming at his crotch, he enters the tiny attached bathroom to freshen up. _That was… so weird._ He shivers, and glances at his crotch guiltily. _Did I…? Was it because of…? Urgh… No, it can’t… I’m just confusing everything that’s happened. That’s it. Stress does that to a guy. Weird subconscious effects._

 

~

 

He watches Jiyong closely for the next few days. The boy doesn’t display any outward forms of discomfort or distress. Instead, he seems to have finally warmed up to Seunghyun, making up for lost time by being affectionate and attentive.

 

More than once, Seunghyun has walked into his room to find a steaming cup of his favourite milk tea on his desk. He knows it’s Jiyong because he caught the boy sneaking into his room once, milk tea in hand. And like the true man that he was, Seunghyun hid himself round a corner until Jiyong had left instead of confronting and thanking the boy. _What the hell am I doing?!_ He vows not to behave so childishly in the future, but also conspicuously avoids going to his room during the day.

 

Jiyong also becomes more outspoken during class, seemingly eager to earn Seunghyun’s praise. Increasingly often, the boy also volunteers to stay back after classes, claiming to need help with geography and science. Seunghyun’s not so sure about that, given that Jiyong is easily one his brightest students. But he lets Jiyong stay, despite his infectious giggles often becoming a source of distraction. To the class, of course.

 

One Sunday afternoon, Seunghyun finds Jiyong skulking around the library whilst sorting out the catalogue. “What’re you doing here Jiyong? Where are your friends?”

 

“Mmmmmm…. They’re downstairs, playing soccer.” Came the sheepish reply.

 

“Oh. well… you should… You should go join them. It’s a beautiful day.”

 

“Yes, b-but you’re stuck in here hyung…” Jiyong pauses before shyly grabbing onto Seunghyun’s arm “Won’t you come join us, hyung?” he pouts.

 

 _Damnit_ “Are you using agyeo on me, Kwon Jiyong?” Seunghyun snorts incredulously; and yet, he feels his resolve melting like butter.

 

The boy has the decency at least to giggle at being caught, hiding his flushed cheeks behind a delicate wrist. Seunghyun shakes his head amusedly and allows himself to be led away from his desk.

 

As he watches Jiyong stretch his arms on their walk to the courtyard, a sudden thought strikes him. “Do your legs still hurt, Jiyong?”

 

“Oh!” Seunghyun’s sideways glance is met with soft brown hair, reminiscent of their first few encounters. “I umm… well they hurt… sometimes… But not… not as badly as they used to.” Jiyong drags his toes on the granite, evasive as his answer.

 

“Well… uhh I’m glad to hear that. I hope that I’ve been able to help, you… somehow.” Seunghyun slows down, trying to get Jiyong to meet his eye.

 

“You’ve been… you’ve been great, hyung!” Jiyong peers up through dark eyelashes. “Really great! And… umm… I should have… I mean, I uhh… never really uhh thanked you… properly I mean. For being so nice and for getting out of bed for me and-“

 

“Jiyong.” Seunghyun puts a hand on the boy’s shoulder to stop the rush of words. He hunches down and squats a little to look the boy in the eye. “It’s not a big deal. Really. I can… I mean, I’ll wake up every night for you. I -if it means that I can help you feel better. Alright?”

 

Jiyong swallows thickly, stunned. “Hyung…”

 

He launches himself into Seunghyun’s arms with the force of a hurricane, a small, sniffly hurricane if there ever was such a thing. Whose hair smells nice. _Really nice._ Seunghyun almost topples over and ends up sitting on the floor with a thump.

 

“Th-thank you hyung! I don’t underst-” Jiyong sniffles, blinking away misty eyes. “Why? W-why’re you so nice, hyung? You don’t even g-get anything in return…”

 

“Well, because God teaches us to love others, Jiyong, and to always be kind.” Seunghyun pulls away to look Jiyong in the eye. “Even if a person isn’t religious, it is the right thing, the _good_ thing to do to be kind to others, Jiyong. Even if life sucks, even if it doesn’t benefit you, even if… even if it _hurts_ you.”

 

“How can people be kind if it _hurts_ them hyung!” Jiyong shrinks away, pensieve. “How can people be kind to those who _hurt_ them…”

 

“Jiyong…” Seunghyun wills himself not to cry in front of the boy, swallowing down the sudden lump in his throat. “I believe that we are _all_ good people. We are... But people… People make mistakes” he adds on, after Jiyong pouts disbelievingly at him. “And sometimes… it is easier to do what is comfortable, or what is easy, or -or what is enjoyable and… forget that your actions may… hurt others.” He disentangles his arms to cup the precious face in front of him. “But it takes an extra _special_ amount of kindness to be kind back to those who’ve hurt you. It doesn’t mean that you have to forgive them or to forget what they’ve done… But the kindness comes from not wanting to hurt them just because they’ve hurt you.”

 

Seunghyun falls silent after his unexpected lesson, choosing to watch the vulnerability play out across Jiyong’s face as he absorbs his words.

 

“I like you, hyung.” Jiyong stares earnestly at Seunghyun. “I… I really wish that more people are _like_ you…” He looks down and shuffles his feet.

 

Seunghyun is taken aback by Jiyong’s confession. _What sort of shitty environment did Jiyong grow up in if he is so overwhelmed by kindness?_ He sighs, and draws Jiyong closer into his embrace. “I like you too, Jiyong. And I promise, I’ll always look out for you. You’ve got me, alright?”

 

Jiyong merely lets out a tremulous sigh.

 

“Hyung…” He whispers, “C-can we… not… go down to play soccer today?”

 

“Of course, Jiyong.” Seunghyun stands and rubs a reassuring hand across Jiyong’s shoulders. “You can help me recatalogue the library. I’m sure that’ll be _much_ more fun.”

 

~

 

He can’t help it if he develops a fondness for the boy, or that’s what Seunghyun tells himself. After all he’s witnessed the poor boy abused and distressed! And he _did_ promise to always look out for him. Surely it’s only natural for him to develop an extra-protective streak or two… Brotherly, protective care and all that. All to be expected. To constantly want Jiyong nearby at all times, to hold him tight in his bossom and cuddle him away from all the hurt in the world. It’s _natural,_ he insists, he’s _invested_ in the boy, is all. _Nothing wrong with… a bit of… extra attention._ All just to make sure that Jiyong is safe, and comfortable, and happy, _of course_.

 

Seunghyun’s conscience, however, disagrees. _Jesus doesn’t pick favourites and neither should you!_ He chides himself sternly. He tries, he really does. But Jiyong’s sudden turnaround in behaviour certainly threw him for a loop. Gone is the reticent slip of a boy too shy to make eye contact; instead, a vivacious and charming replica of Jiyong has taken his place. When Sunday School taught about the symbolism surrounding the resurrection of Christ, Jiyong was there, handing out wreaths of straw and wild grass to share with his friends. He even made one for Seunghyun, complete with tiny, delicate daisies circling the crown. He passed it to Seunghyun, blushing furiously as his friends whooped and giggled from the back. Despite the giggles he earned, Seunghyun stoically wore his for the rest of the lesson and kept it carefully on his desk away from clutter thereafter. He wears it sometimes when he’s alone, _for sentiment_ , but decides to stop after Father Joseph keeps pointing out that he has _straw_ in his hair. No, Seunghyun isn’t complaining about all the extra attention. Happy, giggly, playful Jiyong is certainly a nice change.

 

~

 

 _You can’t do this forever, you know?_ The tiny voice argues in his head. _You can’t just steal him away from choir practice and then pretend that eveything is fine now._

 

True, Seunghyun has been “borrowing” Jiyong rather frequently to help him out in the library. It’s not his fault that the boy _offered_ his help, after that fateful Sunday. And it’s not his fault either that they’ve been receiving a rather large donation of secondhand books for the church’s library. He _knows_ that it’s not feasible, or very sensible. He can’t keep stealing Jiyong physically away from Father William. Not only does it look suspicious, but Father William might end up selecting a new target to abuse. He understands this… yet he just can’t bring himself to let Jiyong return to the lion’s den.

 

It’s a foolproof (albeit short-term) solution. Or so Seunghyun believes. He “borrows” Jiyong as many times a week as he dares to before risking Father William’s wrath, and drops by choir practice during the remaining days. It works out fine, until it doesn’t.

 

He gets held up talking to Father Lee on a Tuesday, and by the time he extricates himself from the meeting it’s almost 5. A full hour after practice has started. He tries to rationalise with himself as he hurries down the corridor. _Today’s just another day. Father William wouldn’t have any special reason to single Jiyong out. Right?_

 

But when Seunghyun reaches the room where practice is usually held at, he is stunned to receive a crowd of boys flooding out.

 

“Wha- Where…? Is practice over already?” His eyes straining to scan for the familiar soft brown hair.

 

“Yeah! Father William ended practice early, hyung! He said that Jiyong needs some extra help.”

 

_Shit!_

 

He hurries from the room, not sparing a backward glance at the boys filing out. Rounding the corner he breaks into a run, stopping ocassionally to check some of the quieter, more private rooms, desperate to find the pair.

 

At the 7th door Seunghyun finds some luck. He can faintly make out Father William’s voice coming from behind the door that’s been left slightly ajar. Creeping as close as he bodily can without touching the wood, Seunghyun vaguely wonders how it would look if someone were to chance upon him. Thankfully, the corridor remains empty. _Alright, alright… You’re just gonna have to do this yourself._ Maybe not so thankful after all. He gulps, swallowing the fear rising in his throat. _Oh God… I did not think this through. Come on, come onnnn. Let’s go. Let’s do this._ His feet bounce erratically, trying to muster the courage to will them past the thick wooden door. Finally, _finally,_ he decides on a knock.

 

It is a feeble, weak knock. Unsurprisingly, there is no answer. _Come on Seunghyun. Man up! This isn’t the time to back down!_

 

Father William’s voice behind the door continues talking. Taking a wild chance, Seunghyun gently eases the door open a smidgen. _Please don’t creak, please… please don’t creak!_

 

The door creaks. Loudly.

 

Seunghyun jumps back in alarm, almost smashing himself into the wall behind him. _Oh God! Shit… did they? Did they hear? Or… maybe… I should be noisier. Like… an announcement of my presence… Ugh… or maybe I should just walk in… I mean hey I’ve got nothing to lose… ugh! Why’re you acting like this, you’ve done nothing wrong? Just barge in! What’re you waiting for?! Go on! Open the door!_

 

Seunghyun shuffles forward on trembling legs.

 

_It’s not even closed properly, are you even sure it’s them? Why wouldn’t Father William close the door properly if he wanted to do… things… with Jiyong? Does he not care about privacy? Wait… Privacy? Does he really need so much privacy if he’s just doing vocal practice? But yeah he didn’t shut the door, remember? So maybe he did it  on purpose. Are you even sure he’s doing anything wrong? What’re they even doing? Ya, you didn’t bother to check. Fool! You should’ve checked! Just sneak a peek past the door, it’s open already. Yeah you opened it just now, idiot! But it was open to begin with…_

 

Round and round the conversations go. Seunghyun’s mind is a hive of activity. He’s so confused, so _torn_ on what to do, so afraid of doing something that might jeopardise the situation. He ends up dithering, clutching and unclutching the handle waiting for his mind to _stop_ ; struck still amidst the storm of thoughts. _Do it. Don’t do it. Go ahead. Go back for help._ He intimately _feels_ the seconds slide by in a viscuous haze, heart pounding anxiously the more time he wastes. He tries to stop the tsunami of inane thoughts, to just move his arm, his leg, anything! _Oh my God, Choi Seunghyun stop thinking so much! Just do something!! Argh!_

 

He is ready to _scream_ in frustration. _Stop it! Jiyong needs help!_

 

He sucks in a quick breath to steady his nerves and, bypassing the ten different voices screaming in his brain, wrenches the door open.

 

The immediate vicinity is empty.

 

Seunghyun belatedly realises that he is inside an antechamber. _All that time… wasted?! Behind that… Stupid! Door?!??_ He lets out a quvery sigh. _You stupid fool…_

 

 “… you know what to do…”

 

Seunghyun jumps. Father William’s voice is doubly amplified within the confines of the room, reminding him of the delicate situation at hand. There’s no time to waste in feeling sorry for himself.

 

From his position, Seunghyun is unable to spot either Father William or Jiyong. There is a large cupboard roughly halfway down the corridor into the adjoining room. If he can just make it to that point, unseen; he might have a chance. He can probably try to squeeze into that small space between cupboard and wall. _But why on earth do I have to hide myself?!_ Seunghyun mentally scoffs. Still, the urge to hide, to make himself unseen and invisible resonates strongly. Seunghyun can’t help but feel an immensely foreboding guilt, as if he was an accomplice to the crime instead of trying to uncover it.

 

He creeps closer to the cupboard, trying to be quiet and inconspicuous. Yet, Seunghyun becomes acutely aware of his own laboured breathing and the sweat gathering above his brows. Of the soft thread of his feet on the dusty floor and the roaring in his ears. When he clenches his fingers he can _feel_ them throb with each pump of his rapidly beating heart. He feels too big, too awkward in his body, certain that his clumsy shuffling will give him away.

 

_Come on now… so far so good, you just have to squeeze in here quietly…_

 

Father William lets out a long drawn groan, causing Seunghyun to almost kick the cupboard in fright. He pauses in the open, vulnerable, trying to assess the situation. Jiyong starts to sing in scale, like he did before. Muffled notes straining round the corner, galvanising Seunghyun into action. He contorts his limbs, squeezing into the space behind the cupboard one limb at a time. The position is beyond awkward. Seunghyun stretches and moulds and sucks in his gut, manouvering past the tight corner and into the tiny space. _Ugh_ , _I hope my legs don’t cramp…_ he thinks as he rearranges his limbs to make himself more comfortable.

 

His new vantage point offers a clearer view of Father William’s back. If he presses his face into the wood, he can also make out Jiyong’s silhouette kneeling at Father William’s feet. At such a close proximity, Seunghyun can even hear soft, wet sounds accompanying Jiyong’s humming. He tries to focus on evening out his own breaths instead of retching in his mouth at that.

 

“So… I see you’ve been getting very… friendly with our new addition to the church, Brother Seunghyun eh, Jiyong? I do hope… that you haven’t forgotten your loyalties to the church, and to us your guardians.” Father William moves his hands to tighten his fingers in Jiyong’s hair.

 

“Do not let his handsome features tempt you from the path of righteousness, boy. There is only _one_ Truth, and that is the way of the Church.” Seunghyun is outraged. How _dare_ Father William try to associate him with his own sinful actions. _Jiyong and I share a healthy, friendly relationship. Nothing like your depraved molestations you disgusting old man!_

 

“You will do well to refocus your energies on the issues and the… ahem, _people_ who matter. After all, who else would you have… if not for us… The church, is the only ties you have left in this miserable world. We’re practically family if you think about it.” Father William chuckles nastily before his voice turns hard, “And in _this_ family, _I_ make the rules. You would do well not to get on my wrath, Jiyong.”

 

Seunghyun grits his teeth and balls his hands into fists to prevent himself from lashing out. _Can’t believe he has the nerve to threaten Jiyong after everything he’s done! How can he preach about virtue and sin when his own actions are so wicked!_

 

 “Stop!” Father William tugs on Jiyong’s hair, pulling him away. Jiyong whimpers, turning away. “Ow… Father…”.

 

“Did I tell you to speak? Turn around now… spread your legs.”

 

Seunghyun’s mouth goes dry. _This is happening. Oh Lord, it’s really happening._

 

“Hmm… I hope you haven’t been spreading your dirty little lips, or your legs, for our dear Brother Seunghyun. I will be most disappointed if I find out that you have, Jiyong.”

 

_What._

 

“Ah! F-father… Ahh… I… di-didn- oh!”

 

“Don’t, lie.” Father William drawls menacingly, “I’ve seen the way you look at him. He may be too dense to comprehend the workings of lusty adolescent boys, but _I know_ better. Before temptation gets the better of you, I would advise you to _stay_ away.”

 

_I don’t believe it, he’s jealous. He’s jealous of my relationship with Jiyong…_

 

He sniffs, “Brother Seunghyun is a fine man of the Church. I’m sure that he does not _need_ you to tarnish him with your shame. And I should also remind you, Jiyong, that lying is a sin. And God _hates_ sinners. Better come clean with me now while I give you this chance. Let me cleanse you, body and soul. Before it’s too late.” He almost growls the last bit, viciously twisting his fingers as they slip in and out of the boy. Jiyong lets out a loud cry in response.

 

“Father… Please… I- I’ve never!”

 

Father William cuts him off with a flick of his hand. “I want you to move, on me.” He sits down on a chair, reclines and spreads his legs, groaning. “You’ve been missing so much practice… So many of our little sessions, eh Jiyong? Wouldn’t want you to lose your stamina now, would we? Now get on my lap.” He growls.

 

Horrified, Seunghyun realizes that Father William is going to make Jiyong work for his own sick ends. _The dirty bastard!_

 

“Ah… Father! Ah! It’s… deep… Oh…”

 

“Don’t slow down now. Work those thighs!”

 

“Ah! Ah… O-oh…”

 

“I want you to remember, Jiyong, _who_ exactly you belong to” Father William pants out. “In the grand scheme of things, you are… unimportant. It is vital that you solidify your allegiance… to the Church.”

 

Jiyong groans, unable to hold back due to the intrusive action. He thinks about Seunghyun hyung, who’s nothing but gentle, soft hands and kindness; and wishes that he was here instead. He would _gladly_ spread his legs for Seunghyun hyung if he wanted him to, he thinks hatefully, angry and humiliated at Father Willliam’s keen observance and crude words. He tries to focus on the wall in front of him and make his mind go blank, like he usually does. But Father William’s snide jabs have ignited a flurry of confused thoughts. He thinks back to that night on Seunghyun hyung’s bed. Soft, warm linen supporting his body while strong, firm hands knead away the pain. Those hands made him feel good. _So good_. Seunghyun hyung always made him feel good. His deep voice, his kind eyes. He even _smelt_ good.

 

“Oh-hh! Ohhh…” a moan spills out of Jiyong, his fantasies have successfully pulled him away from the disgust and horror of the current situation. But now, he faces a new problem…

 

“Wh-what is this?! Don’t touch it!” Father William hisses viciously, pushing Jiyong off his lap and away from him, “Are you…? This is… How could you be… How dare you!”

 

Jiyong lets out a pitiful sob as he tries to push his erection down and away from Father William’s disgusted glare.

 

“Get _rid_ of it.” Father William snarls through gritted teeth, “Such lewdness is unbecoming of a pupil of the church.” He sniffs, turning away pointedly as if the sight of Jiyong’s erection is offensive to him. “I suggest that you be more solemn in your prayers tonight, Jiyong”.

 

He stands up to rearrange his robes, frowning in contemplation. “Hmm… I suppose you _are_ reaching puberty soon… Despite all we’ve done to prolong that… Soon you’ll be gallivanting in sin.” His voice suddenly turns silky, cunning. “ _If_ you still value your position as soloist, I would think that you need to try harder in suppressing your basal… urges. After all, who knows what the future holds? Your voice will be breaking soon. We may need a new soloist sooner than we think.”

 

Jiyong lets out a whimper, tears leaking from fearful eyes.

 

“Remember Jiyong,” he leers “lewdness is but one of the devil’s tricks. Be sure to pray harder and to bathe in holy water before appearing before me in the future.” With that, Father William sweeps perilously out of the room, face pointedly turned away from Jiyong’s half dressed form.

 

Seunghyun can’t believe his ears. _Father William has a really sick sense of righteousness…_

 

He pauses at the adjoining corridor, mere inches away from Seunghyun’s cupboard. “Oh and Jiyong, do not forget. You are not to tell a single soul about what happens between these walls. It will certainly do _you_ no good to broadcast your indecencies around. God does not like sinners, and neither does the church. I expect for you to reflect and repent before our next session.”

 

And with that, he’s gone. Seunghyun lets out the breath he never knew he was holding. He is _astounded_ by Father William’s ridiculous double standards. All that… that _crap_ about lust and sin and repentance, preached through a vessel so blackened with evil and filth. _He’s the monster, the disgusting sinner preying on and threatening innocent boys._ Seunghyun shakes his head, too overwhelmed by emotions to properly process everything that he’s heard.

 

“Hyu…ung”

 

For a wild moment Seunghyun’s mind trips over itself, _Jiyong_ _knows_. _He knows I’m here. How on earth does he know?!_

 

“Ohhh God… Oh… S-seunghyun hyung…” Jiyong  sighs and sobs, as if in pain. “What am I gonna do… I c-can’t… ungh…”

 

He couldn’t have been more wrong. The sight that greets Seunghyun’s eyes when he peeks round the cupboard shoot a hot trail down his gut, straight into the fiery pits of hell.

 

Jiyong’s pants are still pooled around his ankles. His shirt is hiked up and tucked underneath his armpits, giving Seunghyun a clearer view of small hands reaching past a smooth stomach, frantically fondling at a tiny erect penis. He gasps soundlessly, can’t help staring at the tiny head peeking through Jiyong’s slim fingers, already red and swollen and glistening at the tip. The sight ignites a white hot jolt to his stomach… and lower down. Seunghyun’s heart suddenly feels too big for his body, his mouth too dry and his skin too tight.

 

“Hy-hyung…”

 

Seunghyun twists his head back so quickly he almost knocks himself unconscious. Heart hammering in his chest, he wants to slap himself senseless. _This is a dream, it can’t be real. This is not happening… I don’t believe it._ Jiyong masturbating, pleasuring himself. With Seunghyun’s name falling from his lips, a red-hot mantra searing his ears. _Oh my God…_

 

“H-hyung…” Jiyong sobs, rubbing at teary eyes with the back of his hand. “Ughh… good… Oh God, ungh… S-seunghyun hyung…”

 

What he felt after that dream is _nothing_ compared to what he’s feeling _now_. No one’s ever moaned his name like that before. So seductive, so _earnest_. His one and only experience with his ex-girlfriend was very chaste and innocent, _we’ve never even seen each other naked! This is… this is too much!_

 

“Uhh! Unghh…” He pants, “Feels… good…” Jiyong reaches a sticky hand to rub across his chest, ocassionally pausing to tickle and pinch at a nipple. He sighs, bracing his side against the chair Father William had just vacated before his knees give out, shaking from pleasure.

 

Seunghyun tries to hang onto the last vestiges of his sanity when he feels it… It starts small, a tickle in his loins. An itch that creeps onto the periphery of his mind that doesn’t go away. Now that he’s aware of it, it’s impossible to pretend that it’s not there. Seunghyun’s ears are burning. Everything feels too hot, too tight. Every little sensation feels like an overload. The rub of clothes on heated skin, the involuntary draughts of cool air, the sweat sliding down his stomach underneath his shirt…

 

Jiyong’s hands start rubbing harder and faster, pulling at the tip and squeezing out even more of the clear liquid. His moans resonate loudly, every flick of his wrist giving rise to another sudden cry.

 

The dream he had the night Jiyong stayed over surfaces in his mind unbidden… Jiyong in his dream spread out on his back, sweating and writhing and moaning like he’s doing now. Seunghyun’s dick twitches, the long-forgotten feeling of arousal pooling in his groin. _Please… Don’t get hard, don’t get hard… You can’t. You shouldn’t! This is… wrong!_ He can feel goosebumps erupting on his skin, his nipples chaffing lightly against the fabric of his shirt, the growing moist heat between his legs. It’s been _years_ since he let his arousal get the better of him like this.

 

His efforts are in vain. With each ragged gasp Jiyong takes, Seunghyun’s dick grows infinitely harder, until it’s thrumming hot and wet in the confines of his underwear. _Please Jiyong… Don’t do this. For me… Don’t make me…_

 

“O- ohhhhh! Oh God… Hy- hyung! Oh God… Yes… yes! Ah… ah, ah…”

 

The boy is too far gone, lost in his own haze of pleasure to notice anything, much less Seunghyun’s futile efforts to control his own hands, his hips.

 

He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to control the trembling in his gut. _Jiyong… don’t._ He can’t help it, his body’s natural reactions to such stimulus. It’s intoxicating and sinful, and the realisation of his own depraved _want_ makes Seunghyun shudder. He feels unbelievably _weak_ in the face of such temptation.

 

That morning after the dream is different! He wasn’t aware. Now, he’s all too caught up in the long forgotten stimulus. His dick throbs, eager to experience freedom once more, and he’s suddenly slammed with the overwhelming desire to touch himself. _You can’t… You’re better than this!_ But it’s so _hard_ , especially when his body is coaxing him softly, just one rub. It won’t hurt. You’ll feel _so_ _much better_ without all this pressure. It doesn’t help as well, the moans and little pants escaping from soft lips, mere feet away. Seunghyun stares, helpless, at the tent forming in front of his slacks; fighting against the burning desire to touch, to rut, against the cool wood in front of him. He pinches his thighs, hoping that the pain will distract him from his lust but to little effect. If anything, it heightens the sensations, forcing him to bite his lips to stifle a groan.

 

Jiyong gasps, head lolling backwards as his legs slide wider of their own accord. His hands slip lower, cupping his sacs before moving down, squirming sticky fingers prodding and rubbing, leaving his hips to buck furiously, grinding against air. “A- ah! Augh…! Yes… Nngh!” He whines, a long, steady note, eyes screwed tightly shut as his hips cant forward and stutter once, twice before spilling messily.

 

Seunghyun thinks that he can taste blood where he’s bitten on the inside of his cheek.

 

Jiyong lets out a huff as he sags, knees weak, leaning against the table for support and trying to catch his breath. As his breathes slow and the tremors fade, he starts to return to himself. The first thing he notices is how gross he feels; sticky trails lining his palms and thighs. Without anything suitable to clean up with, he makes do by wiping his hands on his underwear. His hands, he notices, are shaking. _Maybe Father William is right, I am a sinner_. He bites his lips, trying not to cry. _Not anymore! I’m not gonna cry anymore. What’s done is done._ He gets to his feet slowly, clinging to the furniture for support. He has to get out of here, fast. Somebody will come looking soon, probably. Jiyong needs time to clean up, not just the physical evidence or the tears on his face. But more importantly, he has to clean up his emotions and also his heart. He limps out of the room, past Seunghyun’s cupuboard, and slips out quietly; before shutting the door, and all of its secrets, behind him.

 

Seunghyun stays slumped on the floor, long after he hears the door creak shut. His dick is still straining against his slacks, but it’s easier to ignore the heat between his legs now that Jiyong is gone. He feels exhausted, and dirty; every bit the sinner Father William described. But what’s more, he feels overwhelmed. Even more than he had on any previous occasion. He doesn’t know what to think, or where to even _start._

 

_God, why’re you doing this to me?_

 

He’s never felt more alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got this far on AFF before someone got upset enough to report it :c so... lemme know what you guys think? ^^


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